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You ever have one of those days where just one improvised explosive device wasn’t going to be enough?
I haven’t had one of those days in a long time.
I think it goes without saying that the perils of homeownership increase exponentially when that dripping noise rears its ugly head.
*drip*
That dripping noise is a harbinger that you’re about to spend a varying range of time and money to resolve an issue deemed to be either innocuous or significant.
*drip*
In the fourteen years since we seized these lands and set up residence in the included structure under the TharpSter banner, we’ve encountered our own share of plumbing issues which demanded our attention.
Leaky cartridges in the shower, drippy faucets, defective spigots, backed-up sinks, a broken pipe or two, phlegmatic poopin’ stools, and a suicidal water heater have all presented themselves to yours truly as wonderful opportunities to round out my talent stack.
Just a few months ago, I found myself no more than two miles away at the house of my brother-in-law with the disembodied water tank from the front bathroom toilet. The screws which secure the tank to the business end of the device had to be replaced so as to limit the amount of water getting to the floor to what the dog shakes off after she’s had a bath.
The nuts which were holding those screws in place on the underside of the social media seat had succumbed to the laws of nature, chemistry, and other science related stuff. No amount of awkwardly positioned upper body strength enhanced by a pair of channel locks, colorful name calling, and the performance of a Kegel or two was going to break the white knuckled Kung-Fu grip those nuts had exacted on the screws.
*drip*
I found a video out on the internet which suggested that the screws had to be cut out of there. That was all well and good, however I had no way in the small parcel of land which houses the commode to get in there with any sort of cutting device to fix the problem. Furthermore, I didn’t have any sort of cutting device that could get in there.
It’s usually at this time ladies and gentlemen, when independent minded homeowners like you and me consider giving up on the project. This is where we consider options like calling a plumber to do the repair. Considering the amount we’ll be billed, we also entertain the option of replacing the whole toilet. We then rule that out and ponder selling the house at a reduced price so as to let someone else mess with a couple of corroded nuts.
There’s probably a joke to be made with that word choice.
The arrogant stubborn streak then sets in when we realize that we’re about to let a few pieces of metal and porcelain get the better of us.
*drip*
For reasons which aren’t absolutely clear to me based on how the tank is supposed to attach to the bowel, I was able to lift the tank off of there with the screws and nuts still attached in their own representation of a snake mating ball.
Now that there was no awkward positioning to deal with, I could set that thing up on a workbench and cut the screws out with my brother-in-law’s reciprocating saw which I just happen to keep at my brother-in-law’s house.
Did I mention a video?
Of course I did.
I honestly don’t know how all of those generations preceding those of us in Generation X ever got their home plumbing issues resolved without having instructional videos on the internet to consult.
Yet they did.
*drip*
Save for the suicidal water heater, every one of the plumbing issues I previously mentioned got fixed because I went out to YouTube and found a video on how to fix it. These videos are pretty much the 21st century equivalent to all of those Time-Life books on home repair we used to see advertised while watching the Wide World of Sports in our youth, sandwiched between cliff diving and Evil Knievel jumping a collection of tractor trailers.
Here’s my problem with those videos.
*drip*
Ever notice that the repair they do on those videos happens in less than ten minutes? Ever notice the repair goes pretty smoothly? Ever notice the featured player / hero in the video never has to improvise on the fly?
Yeah, me too.
I want to see one of those videos where the attachment nut on the underside of the bathroom faucet doesn’t come off easily with a basin wrench or slip joint pliers. I want to see the hero fight that thing for an hour or two before resorting to a rubber mallet and a straight slot screwdriver to break that thing off.
I want to see the hero mis-orient the shower cartridge and spend the next hour trying to figure out why the hot and cold water settings have reversed.
I want to see the hero of the video make 2-3 trips back to a variety of home improvement stores and even the Wal-Mart in search of the right parts which didn’t get purchased on the last trip.
I want to see the hero get nailed with a high pressure stream of water because they forgot to turn the water off either at the source or at the water main.
I want to see the star of these videos consulting the internet for instructional videos on how to fix the problem at hand.
I want to see the hero trying to convince their doubting spouse that they have this job under control and there’s absolutely no reason to call a plumber.
I want to see other members of the household asking the plumbing hero every 10 minutes whether the water is back on yet, followed up by an inquiry on when it will be back on.
*drip*
It would seem that what I really want to see on these internet plumbing videos is me.
Not that I’ve ever done any of that.
