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To: Lord
From: TharpSter
Date: 05/25/2013 3:15 am
Dear Lord,
Thank you for the rain. Here in south central Texas, we tend to find ourselves wanting for the wet stuff from the sky. It serves to feed our grass and give meteorologists seeking gainful employment a purpose in life.
Your decision to provide it to us in a 5-7 hour duration in downpours heavy enough to make the dogs skittish enough to void their bowels in the middle of the foyer is not mine to question. Thy will be done. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.
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To: The drug company which specializes in canine pharmaceuticals (Big Doggie Pharma)
From: TharpSter
Date: 05/25/2013 6:00 am
To whom it may concern,
Whereas I wholeheartedly agree with your efforts in the chemistry lab to sedate my high strung Jack Russell Terrorist as the rattled contents of her little skull endeavor to negotiate the fact that it’s raining, I would encourage you to come up with something that works faster in calming her down. A 35 lb. dog like that should not have to wait a few hours to get her buzz on.
If you could come up with a concoction which works with the speed of a 20 lb sledge hammer, that would be great.
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To: Kellogg’s
From: TharpSter
Date: 05/25/2013 7:30 am
Thank you for providing the world with Froot Loops. I normally don’t eat that particular variety of cereal, however this morning I found myself pouring some into a bowl.
I don’t pour milk on my cereal.
That particular habit dates waaaaay back to the 70’s to an incident fuzzy in my mind which involves an independent minded 5 year old, a gallon of spilled milk, and a ticked off Mommy.
Although your cereal is delicious, I think it had too much sugar for my taste. It may have impacts on my digestive system later on.
We’ll see.
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To: Subway
From: TharpSter
Date: 05/25/2013 Noon
To whom it may concern,
I love your sandwiches. You people are the only fast food joint I can patronize where I can maintain some semblance of a healthy diet.
Today, I darkened your door prior to going to a movie; and mixed it up a bit. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with pepper jack cheese, avocado, lettuce, tomato, onion, and your chipotle sauce.
It was good, however it left my stomach and lower GI system feeling a little rumbly.
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To: Hollywood
From: TharpSter
Date: 05/25/2013 1:00 pm
To whom it won’t concern,
I don’t know what to say about The Hangover III. Throughout my time sitting there in the seat wondering if I would ever get this 100 minutes of my precious life back for use doing other things, my brain and colon entered into a series of heated debates inspired by the Lincoln-Douglas events of the 1860s. The subject at hand was whether leaving the theater to take care of a physical matter in a more dignified manner than what the dog did in the foyer this morning would be a wise choice. The alternative was to further endure the pain experienced in my lower torso which was brought on by the digestive efforts of said torso, or the wanton lacivious behavior portrayed on screen by Zack Galifianakis and Melissa McCarthy. The pain only became worse in the post credits scene featuring Ed Helm with a perky set of moobs and Ken Jeong with what can only be described as a cruel, cruel, joke and a nitro-infused sense of self esteem.
Fortunately, you’re whoring a whole series of films which I want to see in the coming months, so I’m almost willing to let this one go. Fair warning though. If Superman is portrayed as a whiney little bitch like he was last time…….
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To: Santikos Silverado 16 Theaters
From: TharpSter
Date: 05/25/2013 3:00 pm
Dear Bathroom Attendant,
It should be said here and now that I normally don’t partake in using public restrooms when it comes to anything other than standing at a urinal. I find the practice to be as nerve racking as avoiding eye contact with roving mariachis when I go out for fine, Mexican cuisine.
After viewing a *ahem* “movie” in your theater today, I was compelled by a spontaneously spastic organ to facilitize your facilities today in order to provide some much needed relief to some insistent pains I had experienced in the last few hours.
I had hoped at one point that I wouldn’t need to visit one of your stalls with the singular purpose of emitting various grunts, groans, profanities, odors, and eventual orgasmic sighs of relief. Instead, I had hoped my conundrum would be solved by merely cutting the cheese (trying to keep it clinical here) while seated in the theater so as to relieve the pressure.
Sadly, that wasn’t the case.
Allow me to say here an now, that as far as public facilities go, yours is tops for the collective bottoms of your clientele. I don’t think I need to elaborate any further, but know that you have my gratitude.
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To: Imodium
From: TharpSter
Date: 05/25/2013 3:30 pm
To whom it may concern,
I love your product.
Thank you for helping me to resolve an “issue” today.
TMI!!!