0
0
It is with deep regret and profound sorrow that I find myself here on a beautiful Sunday morning in which the Lord himself has blessed us with a sun shining in the sky, birds singing in the trees, and a marked absence of daylight savings time to announce the loss of yet another cherished member of the family.
William D. Drumaster, Third in His Name, King of the Fifty-Fifth Gallon, and Keeper of the Flame was known to his subjects as Will the TharpSterGrill. The Great Protector of the Palette possessed the genetic disposition to accommodate up to 600 square inches of Bos Taurus, Sus Scrofa Domesticus, Gallus Domesticus, Allium Cepa, Allium Sativum, Asparagus Officinalis, Capsicum Annum, Lycopersicon Lycopersicum, Solanum Tuberosum, Agaricus Bisporus, and discarded mailers from Spectrum Cable and Google Fiber.
On Saturday, November 2, 2019, Will the TharpSterGrill transcended his second directive in life of contributing to the dietary needs of others to the third phase where the content of his character and his body will be utilized as scrap metal.
Prior to his introduction to the TharpSter Compound over 7 years ago via purchase at the local grocery store by a benevolent patriarch who was on a toilet paper run, Drumaster was a 55 gallon drum used in the export of chile con queso from the cheese rich nation of Nachonia. After years of dedicated service to his country, Drumaster was decommissioned from his initial directive as a vessel of cheesy goodness.
Drumaster was then delivered into the little known, yet historically significant grillyards nestled in the Black Hills of North America where artisans altered and fortified the drum with the ability to introduce fire to a variety of substances designed for consumption.
Will’s transcendence came while in the line of duty when that half of him charged with holding combustible materials lost its integrity and introduced its burning coals and roaring fire to the ground below, putting a swath of the backyard and the neighbor’s fence in immediate peril. Once the slow drip irrigation system which nourishes the slop trough was disconnected from the water spigot and a standard garden hose could be engaged, the misadventure was contained and subsequently doused. Damage estimates from the event were limited to an $8 bag of instant light charcoal and the unfortunate need for this week’s meal preparation to take place on the stove top.
The entire event was foreshadowed by the unfortunate loss of the Houston Astros in the 2019 World Series, the exodus of a particularly rough season of Daylight Savings Time, and the gaping, rusted out hole near Will’s charcoal pan. He’s preceded in his transcendence by two barrel style grills and a 1970’s era Kenmore 61″ charcoal grill.
Will the TharpSterGrill is survived by a nice set of wooden handled grilling tools, a few ounces of lighter fluid, and three pounds of chicken tenders cooked on the stove top without the benefit of a mesquite attitude.
Will the TharpSterGrill will be missed.
Will the TharpSterGrill will be replaced.
RIP, Will!