“Honey, can you hand me the Talladega Nights DVD? I’ve got a blog to write.”

Now I know such a statement can cast a massive shadow on the potential brilliance this piece will offer to the internet. I know this based on how far back into her head Wifey rolled her eyes at my request.

However.

If you made it past the first sentence and still find yourself wondering which way I’m going to go with this Matlock-like meandering, I’ve got to think that things aren’t that bad. Speaking of Matlock, I heard a report on the radio the other day that the approval ratings of Andy Griffith have been down lately. Okay. Whatever. I’ve got several more paragraphs of time wasting material to produce, let alone pondering the political ideologies of a grumpy old man. I share a birthday with the man. That’s about all I have to say on the matter.

As is customary with me providing meaningless updates about the goings-on within TharpSter.Org, I wanted to bring everyone up to speed about our latest acquisition. Thanks to the fund raising efforts of my son’s little league this last spring, we were beneficiary of a raffle where the grand prize was a couple of Chevy sedans.

By the way. Speaking of the meaningless updates about the organization, we got the bill for the treatment of my sebaceous cyst. The going rate is just under $300.

No. We didn’t win a car. To be honest, I don’t think I would have accepted the car anyway. I’ve come to the conclusion that any product generated from under the umbrella of Obama Motors is constructed of a certain level of hope and change which I can do without.

Instead, we ended up with the 42” HD TV with a Blu-ray DVD player to boot. Naturally, I had to gut my three section wall unit in order to accommodate the spread, but it was worth it. The fact that this thing showed up in time for football season coupled with the presence of the NFL Network within the compound is just one more piece in the giant puzzle that verifies for me that God is out there.

In the last few days, we’ve been renting DVD’s to run through the new player so that we can wear the new off of it. Last night we rented Kick Ass. Whereas I thought it was going to be a lot like Mystery Men, I was pleasantly surprised. The flick lived up to its name.

Along with recent rentals, we’ve been going through our DVD library in order to take in some of our old favorites in more pixels than we ever expected. Hence, Talladega Nights managed to make its way onto our new big screen so as to provide all members of the organization with a high definition dose of Shake & Bake.

Less than 5 minutes of us ensconcing ourselves into a two hour mockery of America’s favorite auto sport, we became the recipients of some of the uglier sides of high definition.

That’s right people. Gary Cole’s camel toe on 42” of high definition TV.

It’s been about 4 days since the man’s nether regions became a passing centerpiece of our living room. The facial ticks and night sweats are finally starting to subside.

I’d like to take a moment or two to discuss Gary Cole. All things being equal, I don’t believe there are enough blogs which spend enough time discussing the fantastic work of this shining star of the silver screen. Set aside how sarcastic you know me to be. I mean that in all seriousness.

Now you already know I don’t spend my time writing movie reviews. I’ve seen my share of them, and I would bet that I could predict the plot incidents and outcomes to at least 90% of the flotsam and jetsam Hollywood has to offer. I can assure you that if I were writing reviews; my rating system would be either two thumbs or two middle fingers, both which would be up.

First of all, Gary Cole has done a wide variety of work ranging to voice-over for cartoons, to television, to the big screen. I won’t list off his entire filmography; however I will say this about his career. In 1986, he played an assistant coach in the movie Lucas, which starred Cory Haim. That next year, Haim appeared in The Lost Boys with Cory Feldman. In 1989, Feldman appeared in The ‘Burbs with Tom Hanks. Six short years later, Hanks appeared in Apollo 13 with Kevin Bacon.

Do you see that? There are only three degrees of separation between Gary Cole and Kevin Bacon. Face it, my dear reader. The man has his bona-fides.

In 2000 when the 72nd Academy Awards ceremony honored films from the previous year, Michael Caine took the bling for Best Supporting Actor in the film The Cider House Rules. He edged out the likes of Tom Cruise, Michael Clarke Duncan, Haley Joel Osment, and Jude Law. With all props and due respect to Michael Caine and those who were also nominated, I’m of the opinion the Academy committed and egregious atrocity on the film going public for snubbing Gary Cole that year.

Uuuuummmmmmm, yeah.

Mark this one down on the new coversheet for the TPS Report, because you’ll want to refer back to the following pronouncement later on when it happens. The work that Cole put into the film Office Space that year as Bill Lumbergh transcends time and space, and will eventually evolve into pure light. Consider this if it’s been awhile since you’ve seen this film. Perish the thought if you’ve never seen it at all, as I believe it should be law that everyone should see this film. Go check it out.

That would be great.

Now that I’ve said my piece, I’ll get back to whatever it was I was babbling about. Those fundraisers aren’t so bad when you’re on the other side of the raffle ticket. I’ll be sure to think of them whenever I’m wincing from the man junk which may occasionally litter the screen on my new toy.