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“I’ll go.” Said the next volunteer, as they deactivated the note taking application on the smart phone. “I’ve got some handouts for everyone.” Each meeting participant received a printed PowerPoint presentation. The manager’s had been produced in color complete with a spiral spine. The other print outs had been printed in monochrome and stapled together. “We can do this through work place incentives in the private sector. I can also assure you that it will be considerably more cost effective and less intrusive than incentivizing commode manufacturers to weigh people’s poop.” The first intern emitted a scoff which drew an intense glare from the presenter. After a brief yet awkward pause which the manager relished, the second intern continued. “Anyway…….” The staredown was then broken and the presenter continued.
“In the last five years, more and more companies in the private sector have adopted wellness programs to incentivize their employees to make better healthcare decisions. The plans have different types of features and aids to help the participants with weight control, stress management, smoking satiation, heart health, colon health, and the whole nine yards. Why not incorporate fecal weight into the program? All employees have to do to get the weight is to weigh themselves before and after a bowel movement and find the difference between the two numbers. Most wellness programs feature an interactive website with various tools. Make one of those tools a tracking engine of some sort. Lord knows the government can tap into anything on the internet. Without even knowing it, the American people will begin giving us the information we’re looking for.
In the meantime, we start drip feeding strategically placed bread crumbs about the importance of weighing bowel movements in every sort of media we can think of. To that extent, we even get Hollywood to work the practice in with a character on a TV show or in a movie. We create a website which discusses the benefits of it and the impacts of ignoring it.
Within a few years, when employees participate in their annual company sponsored health assessment, the weight of their fecal matter will be included in the discussion about their body mass index and cholesterol levels. They’ll find it strange at first that such information is being discussed, but it goes back to what was said before. The sheep are only passionate about the polarized issues of guns and abortion. Eventually, nothing else really matters.”
The manager looked up from the three color handout and back to and responded. “Even better is the fact that they won’t even know that the government is behind it.”
“Exactly,” responded the presenter. “Any questions?”
“Doesn’t look like it, “as the manager thumbed through the rest of the handout and then looked at the other two interns in search for anything to add.
“Well it looks like it’s my turn.” The third intern stood up, collected the notepad in the leather-bound portfolio which had received note after note in the previous presentations, and walked to the closed door as if to leave. Upon opening the door and starting to walk out, the intern was stopped by the manager.
“Where are you going?”
