First of all, it should be said right here and now that the following flash of verbal brilliance in which you are about to wantonly imbibe through that glowing monitor attached to one of your one and only conduits to the wonderful world that is the internet will be published in a manner inconsistent with the teachings of your dearly departed or soon to be dearly departed high school English teacher.  They’re bound to die sooner or later.

It is what it is.

That’s right.  I’m offering up a bit of mediocrity with this posting and making no bones about it.  All things being equal, I would love to post just about anything on this site with the express intent of inspiring my collective gaggles of sycophantic minions to emote moans of delight which parallel that sense of nirvana one derives from a properly placed Q-Tip in the ear canal.  Be it a picture of squirrels bumpin’ uglies, or what will eventually go down in history as my magnum opus, the premise of just phoning it in with the content on this site with the promise of a profitable return is quite seductive.

Even still where’s the challenge of honing my skills, channeling my insight, focusing my wit, and exceeding the ability to type with all 10 fingers at more than 40 wpm if I were to spend my time fortifying this site with pure worthless crap?

Pause for effect.

Whimsical notions aside, let’s get to the reason for this post.

Next week, ladies and gentlemen, I will be on vacation from life in cubeville.  I know what you’re thinking.  How will I survive for so long without the shared smart-assary among my comrades, the ergonomic and visual benefits of denim days, the cafeteria’s shameless promotion of the Tuesday’s meatloaf, and the obvious abandonment of common sense and shame by those who are charged with flipping a quarter as their chief responsibility?

Fortunately, the demands of the organization will keep me occupied in my absence.  With that, I will now provide you, my beloved reader, with a list of the stuff I plan to do this week.

1. Clean the garage.  Yeah, that’s probably not going to happen.  It’s current appearance leads the casual observer to believe that I might be a hoarder.  Hopefully that will garner me some sort of intervention on reality TV.  (Keep your fingers crossed)

2. Finish the tape and float on the drywall job Dad and I did sometime this last summer.  Is there a reality show that does interventions for DIY weekend warriors who procrastinate?

3. Reintroduce the dogs to each other in a manner which will keep them from fighting.  I’m tired of keeping these two separated.  In all honesty, they’re my sycophantic minions which need to learn how to get along and understand that I’m the HBIC.

4. One of my TV’s just blew up.  I’ll have to replace it.  Fortunately, there’s a few old ones in that hoarders paradise I call “garage”.  Number one on this list may see just enough light of day to reconnect me to all of the crap a basic cable package has to offer.

5. Endeavor to provide an otherwise dull internet with content which will challenge all of the senses at once and reveal additional senses previously not identified.  Goals rock.

Last but not least, I’m going to do the one thing I’ve needed to do every since the organization procured this laptop for me back in April.  A lot of people already have these things figured out and negotiate them with ease.

I’m talking about the touchpad on my laptop.

It drives me nuts.

As a lazy typist, it would seem I rest my wrists in a manner which moves my pointer around the screen indiscriminately when I’m typing.  If I had a nickel for every time I’ve had to reposition the cursor as I wrote this piece, I could have purchased several packages of M&M’s from the vending machine at work.   I don’t look forward to adding the pictures to this piece because of the picture editing I need to do.  In addition, by the time you read this there should be a link attached to the reference up above about squirrels bumpin’ uglies.  I expect adding that link will be a bit of a challenge since there’s “right clicking” involved.

I know what you’re thinking.  “Geez TharpSter.  Kwichurbichin.  Just get a mouse.”

I have a mouse.  It’s a wonderful wireless one.  Do you know how many times I’ve reached for it tonight in writing this?  See my reference above about the nickels.  Without going into too much detail, everyone has obstacles in their lives to overcome.  Roving mariachis and laptop touchpads are mine.

As I sit here taking baby steps to shun the involuntary desire to reach for the mouse, I pray perpetually that reality TV doesn’t hit me with an intervention on my other issue.

Mediocrity having barely being achieved, I’ll return you to your normal surfing now.  Stay tuned for better stuff in the very near future.