Nirvana.

 

Not the band.  The physical sensation.

 

Unmitigated, unfettered, no holds barred, pleasure.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, when the proper level of moisture is present combined with just the correct level of that very specific sensation deep inside which demands your attention, there’s only one device that comes to mind capable of traversing the cavernous confines where that tickle resides.

 

Don’t go in too deep though, because it will hurt like hell in the wellspring of nerves in which you’re traipsing.

 

On the other hand, when that particular device hits the spot, oh baby.  It becomes pure, eargasmic nirvana.

 

That’s right.  I said “eargasmic”.  It’s derived from the term “eargasm” which is typically achieved by a properly placed Q-Tip in the ear canal.

 

Yes.

 

I know.

 

You’re not supposed to put Q-Tips in your ear.  The label even says so.

 

That being said, allow me to ask one simple question.

If you aren’t supposed to put a Q-Tip in your ear, why on God’s green Earth do the makers of what I consider to be the 8th or 9th wonder of the world (right behind the lovely and talented Scarlett Johansson in skin tight attire loaded for bear, or bare) produce their magical cotton swabs in the most perfect size and shape to insert directly into the orifice most capable of producing a bona fide, mind shattering eargasm?

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t use them for any of the practices pictured on the front of the box.  I don’t wear eye makeup which could be removed with a Q-Tip.  When I scrape or cut myself, the law here in the great state of Texas dictates that I apply an antibiotic gel only after I’ve rubbed some dirt on it with a heavy grit sandpaper, and that’s only if the burn or sting is still present.  The dirt usually takes care of things upon the first application, and helps to heal your injury when used with a few inches of duct tape.

 

If I can’t use a Q-Tip to get my auditory rocks off, what exactly do you expect me to use?

 

Bobby pin?

 

Paper clip?

 

Latch hook tool?

 

Phillips head screwdriver?

 

Cotter pin puller?

 

Door key from a 1984 Chevy Citation?

 

Coffee stir stick?

 

Pipe cleaner?

 

Waterpik?

 

Tweezers?

 

Bic pen cap?

 

The business end of a Tyconderoga #2?

 

Drill bit?

 

Jig saw blade?

 

Twizzler?

 

Knitting needle?

 

Crotchet hook?

 

Paint brush?

 

Stick pin?

 

Air compressor?

 

Tooth pick?

 

Serial printer cable?

 

Stereo wire?

 

Twig?

 

Headphone jack?

 

Zip tie?

 

Crayon?

 

Come on people, let’s get serious here.  The ear canal was put there for two specific reasons.

 

The first reason was to channel air and the noise it carries to the eardrum for further processing by the brain.  That, of course, is the technical explanation.  In laymen terms, they’re there to help you hear stuff like Lady Gaga, and fingernails on the chalkboard.  Granted, it takes the brain a little longer to process similar sounds like that in order to make a distinction.

 

More importantly, the second reason the ear canal is there involves a hole we can play with in polite society without enduring the righteous indignation cast by innocent bystanders who just happen to be around when you do it.

 

Given the alternative, there is nothing like a Q-Tip to do the job it was truly meant to do.