In recent weeks, I’ve learned that I’ll be eligible to retire with full benefits from the constrictive world of the cubicle upon turning 55.

That statement should now be cleaned up a little.

That is a tidbit that I’ve relearned. I learned it a few years ago after reading something on the company intranet site. I misinterpreted it, was subsequently shown the error of my ways in calculating my retirement date, and then forgot about it all together.

My eligibility to retire with full benefits basically means I can continue to participate in the company healthcare plan at the same rates I would by working in the six by six carpeted box while being irradiated by the two LCD screens designed to flash me instant messages from the brightest, shiniest examples of the Peter Principle.

Given that I just hit 45 on the first of the month, I’m now on the 120 month countdown.

All things being equal, my tentative goal is 120 months, 27 days. I participate in a defined contribution plan which makes annual contributions based on my employment status as of June 30th of each year. It would seem that July 1, 2023 is the date to circle on the revised edition of your Mayan calendar.

Now I know what you’re thinking. The utopian miracle of socialized medicine is scheduled to be fully implemented here in this great country of ours in merely a year. Why would I want to hold out for another decade for the privilege to pay into a system that will be somewhere between free and cheap; resplendent with individual mandates, death panels, and assaults on my civil rights?

I’ll leave that one unanswered right now whilst I ponder a very powerful, yet sarcastic metaphor which represents the real problem with socialized medicine and the Obamination of that which is being touted as such.

Allow me at this point to allude to the way I perceive things will be in 10 years along with a setup for the ultimate gag in this piece.

By then, I believe that all remaining follicles on my head will have decided to leave in search for more fruitful plains on my body away from locations I actually want them.

Such as my back.

Anyway, ten years from now will reveal this country’s failure to rid ourselves once and for all of the scourge that is door to door solicitation.  For those of you who may be new to my little corner of the web, I’m no fan of the practice.  I’ve used my disdain for such behavior coupled with the protective nature of my pit bull Hope for several hours of quality entertainment and a blog or two.

That’s not the only thing which won’t be fixed within the decade though.  The current option for people to carry kids on their health insurance until their twenty-something will be changed to a mandate.  Along with that, parents will be required to keep their kids on their cell phone plan just as long.

By then, Hillary will have won a second term in office against yet another weak ass moderate offered up by the GOP.  The memories of Benghazi will be a faint memory from long ago.  The phrase “What difference does it make?” will be transformed from a confrontational demand made during Congressional testimony to a pithy campaign slogan which will eventually propel Clinton to the role of Pantsuit in Chief.

Where will I be?

I’ll tell you where.

If I’m able to plan it out correctly (after all, I have ten years to work on it), I’m going to get into the marketing field.  Even better is that I already have a product in mind.  It won’t require that I invent something or expend vast financial resources in developing a new product.

Now you’re probably wondering how I could possibly be successful marketing a less than new item.  Stay tuned kids.  I’ll tell you.

TharpSter.Org is going to branch out into marketing and sell ‘No Soliciting’ signs.

Big deal, right?

Wrong.

Ideally, one would think that my hatred of door to door sales would be the driving force behind me selling those things.  At the same time, you can wander into any grocery store, mass merchandiser, or hardware store to obtain such a sign.  That’s where the TharpSter.Org Marketing Objective takes the road less traveled.  Wayne Gretzky once said something along the lines of “Don’t go where the puck is.  Go where the puck is going to be.”

In keeping with that quote, the puck in this case is taking up shelving space with the ‘No Soliciting’ signs.  That method has been played out and has proven not to be very effective.

Where’s the puck going to be in this particular market?

I’ll tell you.

I’m going to sell them door to door.

Certainly one of the greatest ironies ever perpetrated on the American public is to sell ‘No Soliciting Signs’ on a door to door basis.  Consider how easy it could be to sell these bad boys though.

Just like other outfits, I would employ young people who are trying to work their way through school to go tap the doorbells of houses all over this great country of ours which do not sport a ‘No Soliciting’ sign.  My goal would be for them to work neighborhoods at the same time as other solicitors of products, services, and faiths so as to keep their potential clients on edge about door to door assaults.  The key is to stay a couple of doors ahead of the competition.  The sales pitch would go something like this once a door has been opened

Salesman:  Oh hello sir.  I just wanted to let you know that there are some solicitors down the street making their way in this general direction.  They appear to be very persuasive.  If you’re not really interested in hearing their pitch or buying their snake oil, you may want to put out your ‘No Soliciting’ sign.

Customer:  I don’t have a ‘No Soliciting’ sign. 

Salesman:  Oh, I see.  So you’re fine with door to door solicitors?

Customer:  No, I’m not.  Door to door solicitation is up there with daylight savings time and cheesy half time shows at the Super Bowl for me.  There’s no place in polite society for any one of them in my book.

Salesman:  Well sir, I completely agree.  Today’s your lucky day.  I just happen to have some signs in my bag which have been produced by the good people at TharpSter.Org.  You may have seen some of their anti-door to door solicitation activity on the web.  I’ll be more than happy to sell one to you.  You can have it hung up on your door in a matter of minutes and keep those sharks in your neighborhood from bothering you today.

Customer:  That sounds like a good idea.  Do you take a check?

Salesman:  Well sir, at TharpSter.Org, it’s in God we trust.  All others pay cash or major credit/debit card.

Customer:  Fair enough.  I’ll still take one.

Salesman:  Excellent sir.  Would you like me to install it while I’m here?

Boom.  There you go.  Door to door sales without the stigma of door to door sales.

Consider the alternative pitch.  This is the one where the young individual who has recently begun selling signs for the organization goes off script and doesn’t warn the customer of other solicitors in the neighborhood.  Instead, he just point blank asks the homeowner if they want to buy a sign.

The homeowner responds with something like “Uuummmmm, there’s no soliciting here.”

Our young salesman has the perfect response.  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t see a sign to that effect on your door so I assumed you would be open to such calls.”

“I just haven’t gotten around to buying one.”

“I’ll be more than happy to sell you one and install it if you like.  This will help to curtail any future tense moments like this in the future.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.  Do you take Visa?”

“Yes sir, we do.”

That’s right people.  Don’t go where the puck is.  Go where the puck is going to be; which just happens to be hanging on a front door somewhere with the words ‘No Soliciting’ on it.

Retirement is going to be a wonderful racket.