Alas, ladies and gentlemen.

It’s Sunday, December 28, 2014 and I’ve plopped my poorly proportioned plumber’s butt in the recliner with the TharpSter Laptop planted firmly in/on my……

Wait for it.

Lap.

Good Lord people, where else would you expect to find a laptop?

Even more importantly, when did your favorite blogger on the whole worldwide web start using the word ‘alas’?.

As with the periodic dental appointment and colonoscopy, it’s time to set aside fear of physical discomfort and the foreboding of undesirable news to compose the next installment of TharpSterLutions for the coming year.  For those of you who are new to this game, a TharpSterLution is an obtainable goal designed to resemble a resolution.  They’ve paired themselves down over the last few years so as to patronize my lethargy.  Certainly, specificity is the soul of narrative.  On the other side, brevity is the soul of wit.

You, my beloved reader, do not need a narrative when it comes to reading about what I do for or to myself this year.  Instead, you need a list of goals accented by my cutting smart-assery.

Looking back on this year, I did a few things I haven’t done before.

1. I visited New York City.
2. I set out on a diet with an ambitious goal and have achieved significant, noticeable, results.
3. I saw KISS perform live.
4. I threw back a Tequila Sunrise or two.
5. I got pretty pissy with a gaggle of idgits at Sirius Satellite Radio who wouldn’t leave me alone about subscribing to their service, even though I have no desire to subscribe to their service in the first place.

I won’t expound too much on those items for a few reasons.  Number one, I discussed the trip to New York City in a previous blog.  Where the weight loss is concerned, I’ve kept an infrequent diary of the goings on with that little adventure which will be published on January 12th.  The Tequila Sunrise involves marriage counseling of the most amorous kind, and don’t get me started with the damn satellite radio.

I did a few things this year which I haven’t done very frequently in the past, so they garnered a mention here and now.

1. I formed a not-for-profit organization where I provide Tier 1 Technical Support to baby boomers.  I have two clients and I’m on call 24/7.
2. I toured Texas with the manager of the Colorado branch of the organization.  We went west, and then we went north.  Fun was had by all.
3. I passed off my beloved truck to Junior as he negotiates the rigors of higher education, and at the same time purchased a new vehicle.
4. I saw Def Leppard perform live for the 7th time in 31 years.  You may recall that I wrote about seeing Def Leppard on trip number 6 a few years ago.  That particular trip was littered with the crasher squirrel.

I would imagine there are a few other actions I took this last year which could eventually make their way to the internet as a notable occurrence.  None of those items come to mind though, so they must not have been as impactful.

I also had the 2014 TharpSterLutions to contend with.

1. Callus Up – Yeah I didn’t really do that a whole lot.  I think I picked up my guitar twice this year.  One of those times was to move it to the other side of the room.
2. Read more – I finally finished The Hobbit, dagnabbit.  By doing so, it became difficult to enjoy the third installment of the movie because of all of the license the movie took with the story line.  Dagnabbit.  The Hobbit wasn’t the only book I knocked out this year though.  I also read Fight Club, Darkly Dreaming Dexter (or Dexter Dreaming Darkly, Dexter Darkly Dreaming, I can’t remember), Divergent (yeah, I know), and have started a re-read of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe series of books.  At the same time, I’ve started to read the Shakespearean interpretation of the original Star Wars movies.  All of these books have been read while either on the treadmill, the exercise bike, the elliptical machine, or the can.  You’ll take note that all of these particular devices serve as weight loss aides.
3. Write more – Well that one is kind of subjective.  Up to this point, I’ve only published 14 blogs this year.  As I mentioned before, I’ve kept a diary of my adventures in weight loss which will be published in a few weeks.  Beyond that, I’ve spent the last month or so working on a piece of fiction which may find itself to be too big to be published here.  Once I finish it, I’ll assess its size and determine whether I’ll publish it here or pursue self publishing via electronic media.  The working title of that one is The Dragon, The Diamond, & The Muse.  More to come on that one.
4. Git R Done – Yeah I got r done.  ‘Nuff said.

So there you go.  Obtainable goals which cement my station in mediocrity.  Now that we’ve knocked those ones out, I’m going to offer up my 2015 TharpSterLutions.

1. Finish writing The Dragon, The Diamond, & The Muse.  Publish it.
2. Finish what’s been started with the weight loss goal.
3. Lobby Disney to produce at least one film taking place in a Star Wars universe where the resident Sith Lord wears woodland camouflage all of the time.
4. Write a Yelp entry for Milliway’s.
5. Discontinue the obtainable TharpSterLutions in favor of loftier goals.

I think at this point, now that I’ve listed off what I did and what I plan to do, there’s only one more thing for me to say now.

While composing this entry, I’ve been drinking Diet Mountain Dew.  Citrus plays havoc on my bladder.

I’ve gotta pee.