Many years ago, when I was still in my formative years and gathering the bulk of my current events knowledge from the comics page of the Casper Star Tribune, I decided it was time to dispense with a certain piece of ignorance that had been bothering me ever since I began reading a daily quip delivered by a caveman or two.

“What does B.C. stand for?”

Without skipping a beat, one of the adults in the room lowered the section of newspaper they were reading so as to address the eldest of their progeny.

“Before calendars.”

You need to understand that at that time, I believed all calendars to feature anthropomorphized chimpanzees and witty one-liners, complete with the phone number and address for the company which employed Dad.

You also need to understand that I typed that word several times in a vain (or vein, take your pick) attempt to make the red squiggly line disappear before I gave up and used spellcheck.  It’s frustrating to know that I learned to read and write by sounding things out, and even still to this day, I consistently engage in poor and erroneous vowel placement.

Thanks fonix.

Anyway, the initial answer I received about B.C. was probably sufficient.  I don’t remember pursuing the matter further, and it seemed to make sense in the context of the comic strip I was reading.

I flashed back on that moment in time the other day when I opened the front door to step outside to marvel at the seven foot tall, inflatable yet twinkly unicorn which has been erected in the yard across the street.  Faith the TharpSter TreadMill likes to join me on those little trips to roust the birds and other varmints which may have taken refuge in the hedge.

In the process of yielding right-of-way to the little LabJack who had to be first out the door, I found a package which had been lovingly (or lack thereof) placed on my doormat.  I didn’t know it was there, as it’s delivery did not come with anyone beating on the door or ringing the bell.  While staying in character, Faith stepped on the package on her way to the hedge, popping some of the internal bubble wrap with the partial toe she possess on her rear passenger side.

Instead, the package was just placed there in hopes that I would eventually happen upon it.  Obviously, the person making the delivery had become aware of the unicorn across the street and knew that parties in my abode would be stepping out periodically to wonder about its relationship to other inflatable flotsam and jetsam which litters lawns during this time of year.

“Oh goody.”

There’s no proof I actually said that. 

Even still, I’m pretty sure that’s what I was thinking when I realized an item I had ordered recently had arrived a few days earlier than expected.

Just a few days ago I found myself perusing the internet in search for a new calendar to hang opposite of the privy in the master bathroom. 

In 2018, the calendar I selected featured various dogs diving for tennis balls in a swimming pool without the benefit of a snorkel or nose plug. Amusing as those pictures were, it gave one using the facilities in there that a massive, bug-eyed behemoth was using its genetically gifted bite strength to make a play on various pieces of exposed junk.

I never found such an image to be conducive to moving things along.

In 2019, I stuck with the dogs, however I opted for a calendar which featured several of our canine friends holding signs which broadcasted their various indiscretions.

Crud, there goes another misplaced vowel.

These were amusing as well, however I don’t really want to spend my time ploppin’ with the phrase “bad dog” going through my mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, I sit here on the first day of January, a mere 9 hours after the neighborhood fireworks drove my poor dog up the wall for the umpteenth time to let you know that I have the perfect calendar to kick off what everyone but me believes to be the new year.

In a year where the number also represents perfect vision, I can think of nothing better to help us achieve four degrees below zero than to hang a calendar which sets the mood and provides the proper inspiration to get things done in 2020.

I’m pretty sure I selected the correct calendar.

Happy 2020 y’all.