Ouch! Quit it!

This morning at the ever so unsociable time of 6:30, I participated in the annual biometric screening sanctioned by a company who’s striving to stay up with all of the fads, fashions, and practices of the time.

If you want my real opinion about the program, keep reading.

Anyhoo, this morning I wandered into one of the bigger conference rooms typically reserved for, well, wellness events.  It was there that I was obliged to fill out a Scantron form with all of my pertinent information.  Height, weight, age, name, political affiliation, and favorite cheeses were just some of the items I had to bubble in on the form.

Note to the people who publish those infernal forms with the small font and colors which don’t contrast enough for those of us with bad vision who struggle in providing correct personal information as a result.  Stop it.

After negotiating the form, I presented my middle finger to the tech charged with extracting a sample of my red stuff.  That thing stung for a moment, and then inhibited my ability to type the letters “E” and “D” for the next few hours.  I don’t type “X” a whole lot.

Five minutes later, I was escorted to a separate room with a self proclaimed health coach in order to go over the results of my blood test.  I started with the most pressing question in mind.  “Did the rabbit make it?”

After feigning the minimum amount of amusement for my comment required by law, the coach preceded to go over my results.  “Ok, let’s look at your BMI.”

“It’s 42.”

Offering no response, she broke out the color coded chart, identified my height and weight on the X and Y axis, and navigated her way right into the red zone.  “…and your BMI is 42.  How did you know that?”

“It’s the answer to life’s most important question.”

“What I would suggest is that you lose about….”

“Ok, here’s the deal,” I chimed in.  “I’ve been consistently trying to lose weight since last spring.  I exercise at least 3-4 times a week, try to eat lean protein, fruits, and veggies, and have pretty much plateaued at my current weight.  Recently I realized I was doing too much cardio, so I altered my routine.  Beyond that, what can I do to lose the weight?”

The health coach then donned a look on her face that told me she was about to ask me a delicate question.

“Do you cleanse?”

“Cleanse?”

She nodded.

“I’ll say ‘No'”.

At that point, I learned about the capability of my intestine to hold a whole bunch of ….., nah, you probably wouldn’t  believe it anyway.

“There are teas you can drink which will clean you out and give you a jump start.  Just don’t drink it here at work as you may get a surprise.”

With the discussion of the contents of my lower GI set aside, she then moved on to what I should be putting in said intestines.  “For the next  2 weeks, eat only fish and salad.”

“Uumm, as a valiant crusader for the rights of our friends under the sea, I don’t eat fish.”  That was only half right.

“Okay, chicken.”

“That’s fine,” I responded.  “…and how may cups of ranch dressing am I limited to with this approach?”

Big picture, it would seem that I need to embrace white guilt on this one and avoid eating white food.  Fortunately, Reese’s are a mix of brown and tan.

Speaking of which, I may have found an avenue to jump off of the wagon where those bad boys are concerned.

In the past, I could pretty much be accused of mainlining the miniature, individually wrapped version of their peanut butter cups.  I’ve been a good boy about not giving into temptation and buying a bag of those things once or twice a month.

And then I found the minis.  It’s a cheaper, smaller bag.  The cups are not individually wrapped and they’re about half the size of the miniatures.  These features alone allow me to open a bag and poor them into the ole piehole.

Isn’t that wonderful?

Now where was I?

Oh yes.  The wellness program at work.

For the next 10-11 months, I will endure assorted campaigns to improve my “wellness”.  I do online activities and read assorted articles.  I’ll participate in local activities like The Great April Grape Toss, and the November Name That Odor Event.  For each one of those events, I’ll earn points which I will track on the special website.  If I earn enough points by the end of the year, I’ll garner some extra cash on my December 15th paycheck.

For that, all I can say is this.

Yeah, whatever.