Yesterday was no different.  Even worse is that the same story you hear at 7 am while driving to work is the same dribble you hear at 5 pm on the way home.  God forbid local news breaks out after 10 am around here.

Anyhoo, one of the stories thrown at us ad naseum yesterday was the recent report that obesity is on the rise nationwide.

Forget about the European debt crisis, the national debt crisis, the presidential campaign, Iran going nuclear regardless of it’s mad scientists being blown up by car bombs, that new guy running North Korea, that old guy running Cuba, that ugly shade of green which showed up on the awards show last night, the NFL playoffs, and everything else which gets us just worried enough to keep two feet of our lower intestine tied up in a good slip not.

We’re all getting fat.

For what it’s worth, obesity makes up exactly 50% of the two conditions Americans can possess which is still subject to unadulterated mockery without the benefit of public rebuke and demands for heartfelt apologies followed by requisite sensitivity training.

The other 50% is Christianity.

Imagine how us fat Christians feel.

You may have noticed I used the word “fat” in what could be considered an insensitive manner.

It’s okay.  I’m fat.

Add to that the fact that like I said before, the act of mocking the obese is still accepted in today’s culture.

Of course there are a couple of ways to approach this.

1. Offer up a rant   (TharpSterized for your enjoyment) on how offensive the treatment is.  Complain about the seats on airplanes and at basketball arenas and how they are just a little bit too small.  Case in point, while at Spurs game last Friday night, my son looked over to me and said “My arm is on your fat.”  Sadly it was.  Don’t consider that a cute statement uttered by a young child who doesn’t know better.  The kid is 17 and would have gotten kicked in the groin if I weren’t wedged in that tight seat wondering how the nerves in my muffin top could be so sensitive.  Righteous indignation doesn’t really work here.

2. Offer up a rant (TharpSterized of course) on the hypocrisy of our culture as a whole (and a hole) and it’s treatment of obesity.  Point out the paradigm shift which has taken place in the last half century which has made us reliant on dining out as opposed to fending for ourselves out of the fridge.

3. Point out that obesity has been around for quite a long time and suggest the statistics and concerns offered up in the factoid laden news is symptomatic of a growing awareness of an age old problem.  Either that, or it’s a slow news day.

But you know me, and you know by now that I’m not interested in blogging that which is derivative.

Instead, I’m just going to incorporate various pictures of food I’ve taken over the last few months or so.  They were initially taken because I had a really good blog idea for them at one point.

For now, I’ve changed my mind and have chosen to put them here instead.

At the time of this writing, cities scattered all over the eastern seaboard lay in ruin.  Buildings have been destroyed.  Fires continue to burn.  Survivors of the attack are working to gather the remains of their shattered lives and endeavor to press onward.

The Department of Homeland Security has already opened an investigation into the matter in hopes of determining exactly how the aliens caught the country off guard.  Initial findings point to the nationwide test of the Emergency Alert System (EAS) which took place at the same exact time today as the attack.

Unlike previous tests, today’s test took place with the full cooperation of all television networks and radio stations nationwide. The American public has received substantial notification of the nationwide test over the last few weeks, so it was expected that panic would not ensue when the familiar tone in the system was broadcast over radios and televisions nationwide.   It would seem the aliens knew of the event as well, and chose to exploit the phlegmatic attitude which was expected as a result.

The full ramifications of the attack will not be known for some time, as resources from all areas of the federal government are spread thin in the wake of the attack.  They will continue to be short on resources even after the arrival of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) some time next week.

Prior to boarding an Air Force cargo plane bound for an undisclosed and secure location, DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano did indicate to reporters that testing of the EAS would be suspended until further details could be gathered about potential security gaps in it’s process.

Requests for comment from the delta quadrant aliens in high orbit over Earth have gone unanswered.

Attacks from the delta quadrant are not new to Earth, or even the United States for that matter.  The most recent assault took place throughout the 90′s, leading up to 2008 by a cybernetic race known as The Borg.  In that time period, The Borg were responsible for assimilating approximately 69 million Americans in a successful attempt to influence the outcome of the 2008 Presidential election.

According to documents obtained from the Wyoming Department of Highway Safety via a Freedom Of Information Act (FOIA) request, the incident occurred in the men’s room at the rest stop.

All details of the incident are not readily available within the documents, as several words, sentences, and even whole paragraphs of the report are blacked out.  Even still, the basics of the incident remain free of redaction.

At approximately 1:30 pm Mountain time on the 27th, two men walked into the restroom within a minute of each other.  As they both proceeded to use the urinals, one man initiated a conversation with the other man with a greeting known to be standard in a Wyoming men’s room.  “Man, this water is cold.”

The breach in etiquette occurred when the other man did not respond with the requisite statement; “Deep, too.”

The rest stop was named for Wyoming’s only three term governor shortly after his passing in 1990.  Herschler was a strong advocate for the preservation of the customs and practices which trace their origins to the great plains state.

Last month’s incident in a restroom named after the late governor presents a challenging faux pas for the Herschler legacy.  A spokesman of the Herschler museum in Kemmerer, Wyoming released a statement prepared by the governors family.

“It’s sad, especially on what would have been the late governor’s 93rd birthday, that gentlemen today fail to hold to the customs, practices, and traditions established by the pioneers who made the great state of Wyoming their home.  We can only hope the gentleman involved in this unfortunate event was from out of state, and unfamiliar with proper behavior in Wyoming public restrooms.”

The man who initiated the conversation has refused to provide any commentary about the incident, short of comparing the event to putting his hand up to someone else in expectation of a high-five, only to not have it returned.

The other man has yet to be located, however Wyoming State Police continue to investigate the matter in order to determine if any charges should be filed.

Note from the desk of TharpSter:  Quite often, friends, acquaintances, and frenemies alike launch peppered assaults at yours truly with all sorts of ideas of what I should write about.  To this point, I have yet to successfully act on the suggestion, because my ego dictates I write only about the sick and twisted material that goes through my own head, not that of others.  Speaking of sick and twisted, one of the aforementioned people threw a topic at me the other day.  It was pretty much along the lines of how one can get winded during an extraordinarily challenging bowel movement.  Surprisingly enough, I passed.  Even more surprising was the fact that he planted another suggestion complete with full text and pictures in my mailbox this morning.

With that, I give you the first guest blogger of TharpSter.Org, The Irish Hand Grenade.

Recent pictures of the Kate Middleton, the newly minted Duchess of York and wife of Prince William, have caused rampant speculation as to the cause of the scar near her left temple (see image). The tabloids and society pages have been working in overdrive to get more details.

In order to quell speculation the royal crown has released an official statement that the scar is a result of a surgery in the Princesses youth. No further details were provided. While this did initially tamp down the coverage from the entertainment and tabloid news media, it appears old school British journalism has resulted in the real story.

The royal crown has decried the speculation and invasive press coverage, however this appears to be in attempts to cover up another royal scandal. The royal times of London newspaper has revealed the true origin of the surgery and royal cover up through two separate government sources. The unnamed government sources come separately from her Majesty’s Secret Service and her Majesty’s Royal Health Services.

The scar is indeed from a surgery in Middleton’s past, but it was at the age of 13.  However this was not the result of an accident or illness. A device was implanted in Kate’s lower cerebellum near the pleasure center receptors of the brain. The device controls the release of endorphins to trigger this portion of the brain. Why was this device implanted, and how is it controlled? Before we get to that answer, we must go to the original source of this clandestine effort.

The Crown of course has become a largely ceremonial function meant to drive tourism to England’s shores.  Sharply aware of their limited significance, Queen Elizabeth’s Father, and then the queen herself have become sharply aware of the importance of first the radio, and then of course television. This meant the Royals needed to put forward their best appearance, and Prince Charles was not up to the Queens new Royal vision. Her solution actually lead to her greatest source of angst, Princess Diana.

A similar device was also implanted in Princess Diana, although much more care was taken to cover up her scar. Whenever she was in front of Prince Charles, a remote control was used to activate the device. The thought being if this was repeated enough, she would fall in love with the Prince despite his appearance. Whenever she was in the presence of Prince Charles, the device and subsequently her pleasure center were triggered. While the initial phase of the plan worked, the odd looking Prince was able to marry the quite spectacular looking Diana. The Queens plan was the offspring of the loathsome Charles would be countered with the beauty of Diana to improve the royal line.

However the queens plan had a flaw, it relied on a remote control used by the secret service agents assigned to the plan to trigger the device.  They of course could not always be around, and Diana soon grew to detest Prince Charles. This of course led to the famous divorce of the royal pair.

Looking at Prince William and his resemblance to his father, the queen realized another generation of this plan was needed. But a solution was needed to avoid another scandalous divorce. The solution was a revised version of the plan. Kate was implanted with the same device as Diana. But instead of relying on agents to activate the device, William was also given a surgery. The remote triggering device was implanted in William. Evidence of his scar is also in the accompanying images. His scar was also once covered by hair, but his rapidly receding hairline has revealed it as you see in the attached images. William’s implant was designed to trigger Kate’s lower cerebellum whenever within 7 feet of William. Whenever they are together, the device is triggered. The result was a constant triggering of Kate’s device whenever she was in Wiliams presence. The hope being she would never leave the William due to the constant triggering of the device. The crown has attempted to explain his scar as a result of an accident from his youth.

As a result of the leaks, the crown is now caught in yet another scandal, the likes it has not seen since Queen Elizabeth herpes scandal of the 1970’s. While they have down well in that cover up, it is well known with royal circles that the queen’s herpes are a result of her affair with Ringo Starr.

It has yet to be seen if the end result of this cover up will be successful, in the age of the internet it has been increasingly hard for the queen to control her press.  Also, the source from the health ministry revealed they are investigating if the effects of the device have resulted in Kate’s frail frame. This could be an unintended side effect, which could prevent Kate from bearing the next in the royal line.

It would appear the Queen’s best laid plans may backfire once again. The shadow of the tower of London looms once again…..

Washington, D.C

This raises concerns for employers and employees alike for a variety of reasons.

In an effort to keep things fair, employers tend to encourage employees to alternate between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year so that no one employee gets every Thanksgiving or Christmas off every year.

Under this strategy, employees with time off during Thanksgiving during 2011 would be given preferential treatment to take time off during Christmas, 2012. There, in lies the problem.

In the month of October alone, employers nationwide have seen a whopping 73% increase in requests for time off during Thanksgiving week, 2012. Not so surprising is the reason for such an increase.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a high ranking official within the Department Of Labor attributes the unusual trend to the Mayan calendar. “There’s a prevailing new age belief about this calendar that it predicts the end of the world as we know it on December 21, 2012.  Employees nationwide who subscribe to the belief feel that scheduling extended time off around the Christmas holiday next year will be a moot point.”

Moot is exactly what it is too. Throughout the year, employees bank vacation time in order to take extended time off around the holidays to spend time with friends and family alike. To get through the entire year of work without getting an opportunity to use the paid time off is considered a benefit which workers just do not want to forfeit. As such, employees are gambling that if the world does end before Christmas, the satisfaction will at least exist that vacation banks are left empty instead of being full of unused hours.

Asked whether the Department Of Labor is offering guidelines on handling requests scheduled around the end of the world, the official offered no additional information. “As we understand it, employers are handling each request on a case by case basis.”

Suggested guidelines for approving 2012 vacation requests (click to enlarge)

Republican presidential candidates: Some new guy, No real chance, The Newt, The Isolationist, Dem turn Republican front runner, Genuine Doosh, Tea Party Darling who scares the media, The Guy to listen to, and the Planker before a debate at the Orange County Convention Center - Thursday, Sept. 22, 2011.

As the candidates took the stage at the beginning of the debate, protesters who were stationed throughout the vast Orange County Convention Center yelled out “We want more benefits!” and then initiated the act of planking.

Planking is the process by which a participant lays face down in the most unique location possible.  No additional activity is involved, short of posting a picture of the act on the internet.

In the case of last night, protesters took up positions on the floor and chairs throughout the hall.  By doing so, they became dead weight which created a difficult task for authorities to remove them from the proceedings.  Questions were additionally raised as to whether a candidate or two joined the protesters in solidarity by performing their own version of metaphorical planking from behind their respective podiums.

Planking is said to have found it’s roots in Australia, and has become popular in recent months.  According to sources in the White House who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the President has been planking in the Oval Office for the better part of a year.

Authorities eventually removed 17 protesters from the center, and are currently considering whether charges of criminal trespassing and resisting arrest will be filed.

If the bill should pass and subsequently be signed into law by Governor Rick Perry, all signs on state run buildings, streets and highways will need to be changed in order to reflect the Comic Sans MS (aka Comic Sans) font.  Amendments have already been proposed to update state published documents to reflect the font as well. 

Along with the voter ID issue, Governor Perry has characterized the sign font issue as an emergency item. The bill is expected to be signed into law. 

The bill promises to generate passionate debate on both sides of the issue.  There’s been a growing movement on the Internet to altogether ban the font.  Proponents for the ban feel the font is used too often in scenarios where it’s not called for.  “Signs which tell people not to touch something with wet paint, or not to enter a certain room do not convey their point forcefully enough when using such a casual font.” said Terence Welker, an English teacher and outspoken proponent of the font ban.  “Even worse is when my students turn in their research papers on some of the worlds greatest literary works in a font which doesn’t carry the gravitas of a font like Times New Roman.” 

On the other side of the debate, supporters for the measure feel that naming an official state font will help to  improve the image of Texas around the nation and the world.  “Right now, we look pretty bad to everyone,” said bill supporter Matilda Bloomenthal.  “We execute so many  death row inmates every year.  More Texans own and use their guns.  We have Jerry Jones and his ego along with that loudmouth girl in the Dixie Chicks.  Something has got to be done to prove that we all aren’t a big pack of assholes.” 

The font was originally introduced by Microsoft just prior to the introduction of Windows 95.  If Texas should go as so far as to name Comic San as it’s official font, it could encounter potential conflicts with the End User License Agreement which comes standard with all Microsoft products.  Microsoft founder and CEO Bill Gates was unavailable for comment. 

Texas, Comic Sans style

DENVER – The Transportation Security Administration came under fire this afternoon when an agent became the victim of an unexpected response from a passenger who was undergoing a security screening.  Without any warning, the passenger broke wind in the face of the TSA agent.

According to sources familiar with the incident, the agent was in the process of completing an inner thigh search on a passenger with an open, yet gloved palm.  At the point the agent reached the top of the thigh, the familiar sound of audible flatulence filled the room.  The agent backed away from the search immediately as he worked feverishly to fight off watery eyes and shortness of breath.  Short of a look of relief on his face, the passenger remained unresponsive to the event.

In the past, the chances of TSA agents encountering passenger flatulence during a pat-down was somewhere between rare and never.  With the rollout of the enhanced pat-down procedures by the TSA this last week, the statistical odds are now leaning in favor of agents being subjected to such treatment again have increased.

“The entire procedure itself is quite aggressive.” said an unnamed source within the TSA.  “People have been known to experience gas in situations where they feel nervous or out of control.    Given the nature of an agent bent down on one knee with a one hand on the passenger’s hip and the other one placed in the genital area, it’s no surprise the subject reacted the way he did.”

The event was so much expected, that the TSA had even advised it’s agents that the possibility was there for passengers to lose control of their bodily functions in the process of being screened.

The enhanced pat-down techniques now employed by the TSA come as a result of the agency’s introduction of full body scanners in airports nationwide.  The new scanners are designed to identify any weapons which the passenger may be attempting to smuggle onto an airplane.  A need for such scanners was determined to be necessary after a man on a Detroit bound plane attempted to ignite an explosive material packed into his underwear last December.  Although more effective and cost efficient means for identifying such terrorist attempts were suggested at the time, members of the administration along with the Department of Homeland Security and the Transportation Security Agency opted to rely on technology which has yet to prove itself to be 100% effective 100% of the time. 

The scanners are designed to see through the clothing of a passenger.  Nude images of those being scanned are generated and reviewed by TSA agents at a satellite location.  Procedures for the scanners dictate the pictures should not be retained, however pictures from these scans have already been posted on the internet. 

Given concerns over privacy, passengers have opted not to be scanned.  The trade off however, is for the TSA to employ the enhanced pat-down which is designed to identify the same weapons, chemicals, etcetera which would normally be located in the scan. 

Reaction to the new rules has been largely opposed on both sides of the political spectrum.  Talk radio has buzzed all week about the government overstepping its bounds and intruding on our privacy.  Arguments have also been made that the rules go against the 4^th Amendment as well.  Calls to action have been made for passengers who travel next week during Thanksgiving should all opt out of the full body scan in favor for the pat-down.  Such an effort would slow down the screening process and send a message from the American people to its government that the new rules are considered to be unacceptable.

Even still, there have been passengers who take no issue with the scans.  They subscribe to the premise that giving up certain liberties in an effort to remain safe is acceptable behavior.  Ben Franklin was the one that suggested that anyone who would do so deserved neither liberty nor safety.

The incident with the passenger who passed gas at the expense of the TSA is currently under review.  If it should be determined the passenger committed the act on purpose, he may be subject to a fine or even prison time for assaulting the agent.

Naturally, the construction of this mosque flies under the social utopian banner of promoting good tidings to all colors and creeds. The creation of this center is touted to promote a better understanding of the Muslim faith.

Those who have publicly supported it have a resume of blaming America for the ills of the world. On top of that, they have spent their share of time endeavoring to apologize, kowtow, and appease the Muslim world in a vain effort to convince them that this country isn’t the kick ass visit to the Bass Pro Shop like place to live as our forefathers originally intended.

Constitutionally, those who oppose the construction of the center don’t really have the law on their side. Certainly the mosque could be a breeding ground for anti-American sentiment. Religious intolerance has become a way of life here in America in recent years if you are anything but Muslim. Case in point is the Greek Orthodox church which was destroyed when the towers fell. Efforts have been underway for years to get that rebuilt, however the chances of that pipe dream coming true are right behind the odds of my lottery investment paying off tonight.

Meanwhile, the most radical adherents of an otherwise beautiful religion have been given carte blanche to rub our noses in that horrible Tuesday morning while enjoying the freedoms and rights granted to us by the first amendment of the United States Constitution.

At the same time, mosque boy jet sets to the other side of the world promoting his dream on our dime. Congress (namely Nancy Pelosi) has reportedly pondered the half baked idea (most of her ponderances are) of investigating those who have spoken out against the construction.

Realizing that a legal fight over the construction could be a losing battle, there are others who have suggested a myriad of neighbors for the center. Among those are a collection of American bad boys such as the white supremacists, Hells Angels, assorted gangs, and the list goes on. One of the more creative suggestions has been an Islam friendly gay bar. I would suggest that Hugh Hefner put a mansion down there and continue to live life in the same manner he does in California. Contrary to popular belief, cultural understanding is not a one way, dead end street.

In firing up the synapses to write this piece, one of my original ideas was to write a letter to the State Department. In that letter, I would make the case for traveling abroad (or a broad; it doesn’t matter) to share the real American way of life with those who may not be familiar with it. Naturally, I would ask the Pantsuit of State herself to foot the bill. I’ve got to think they would be willing to do so since they’re doing it for Ground Zero’s new neighbor.

My trip wouldn’t be half as expensive as that of mosque boy though. In my case, I would be looking to visit places in this hemisphere to promote and educate those unfamiliar with how America should really be. Washington DC would probably be the best place to start.

It’s not like we could take reciprocal action and go build some sort of church, temple, or other place of worship on foreign soil under the same premise for which the mosque is being built. The primary reason resides in the fact that even the biggest doosh bags who have hijacked, twisted, and otherwise manipulated our religions have never committed acts of violence on the same magnitude in the name of God. I’ll leave the caveat that such an action hasn’t been perpetrated in the common era.

None the less, I’m no fan of sending the likes of Jim jones, David Koresh, of even Fred Phelps and his “God hates fags” crowd off to unfriendly territories outside of the states in an effort to promote America either.

So where does that leave us?

Do we allow a Hamas friendly imam to build a place of worship within blocks of where the intolerant adherents of his religion changed America forever?

Sure, we could tell them to go build it somewhere else. There are many other mosques in town for that matter. Why there?

Better yet, do we set aside their rights and tell them to go pound sand?

I don’t know.

What I do know though, is that this shining city on a hill has come to a pretty sad state of affairs at the point where we even have to have this discussion.

The basis of such a suggestion comes from the fact that Limbaugh did not have a heart attack or any other signs of heart disease.  The premise of the story suggests that Limbaugh faked his chest pain so as to call attention to his ability to obtain quality healthcare without the involvement of a government run plan.

The accusation comes at the heals of the most recent publicity issue for Reid, namely when comments he made about Barack Obama during the 2008 presidential campaign revealed what many consider to be racist remarks.  In the upcoming book Game Change, Reid is quoted to have described in private then-Sen. Barack Obama as “light skinned” and “with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”  Republicans have been quick to cry foul over the remarks, and have demanded the Majority Leader step down.  Reid has no intention of doing so, and offered an immediate apology to the President for his “poor choice of words”.  The apology was then followed up by a list of the black people that Reid knows and gets along with. President Obama immediately accepted Reid’s apology.

Reid’s accusation is not the first time he has used his position as Senate Majority Leader to attack the talk show host.  In 2007, Reid took time to discuss comments made by Rush Limbaugh about “phony soldiers” on the Senate floor.  Reid subsequently drafted a letter addressed to Limbaugh’s syndicator which requested repudiation of the remarks.  In the letter, Reid suggested that Limbaugh referred to soldiers who have come out against the war in Iraq as “phony”.  The letter was signed by 41 senators, including then-senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Limbaugh had actually used the term “phony soldiers” in reference to Jesse MacBeth, a man who falsely claimed to be a decorated war hero and an opponent of the Iraqi War.  Limbaugh subsequently auctioned the letter from the Nevada senator on eBay for just over $2.1 million.  He subsequently matched that sum and gave the entire proceeds to charity.

In the newest attack on one of his most outspoken critics, sources in Reid’s office speaking on the condition of anonymity revealed the senator’s intention to summon the healthcare professionals who attended to Limbaugh when he was admitted to the hospital with chest pains last month.  Reid’s hope would be that such testimony would reveal the event to have been made up so as to fuel the fire for opponents of the universal healthcare legislation.  The Senate will be hard pressed to compel such testimony though, as laws surrounding doctor and patient relationships keep the details of Limbaugh’s care private.

Repeated calls to Rush Limbaugh’s office for comment on Reid’s accusation have gone unanswered.